Alex Riders Guide to Surviving Christmas
by orangesquash.inc2
Summary: Hi... This is a guide to help you with Christmas...From awful prezzies to assassins seeing your boxers Christmas is just a lot easier with THIS GUIDE!
1. A few words on Christmas

A few words about Christmas…

Hey there I am Alex Rider and I am a teenage spy… I have traveled the world and even being to outer space… I have survived against all odds, defeated more villains than the spinach your mum makes you eat…I thought I have seen it all…But boy was I wrong…

This is the holiday your mum burns the roast turkey…Your grandpa asks for a new taupe…Your sister wants some new front teeth and embarrassingly you stuff up: like the time you got a foamy hot chocolate beard unwillingly while you tried to kiss your girlfriend; and what about that time you chose the wrong coloured boxers/frilly briefs etc and they ended up being shown to all your family and relatives who might be an assassin, a lawyer, a teacher or even a belly dancer…

Yes Christmas is the time you have got to have a survival guide…I just wish I had one last Christmas…


	2. Introducing Family and Friends

**Family and Friends (including deceased uncles and American housekeepers)**

Yes I know dads can be embarrassing and mums wrap you in cotton wool but when you have your whole family around it could get into quite a war zone…

Christmas is the perfect excuse for a gather up of your favorite MI6 agents and dodgy people who want to take over the world i.e. bad guys (and they are your favorite because they just _happen_ to your family-no coincidences there my friends).

This section is all about those personal things that might freak you out e.g. suddenly fabulous Uncle Ian takes out a dagger and starts cutting the grilled vegetables made by a family friend called Yassen with a flame thrower… Yup this is the typical English family reunion…

**What should you wear? **

When you are asking this question think to your self am I a spy for the government? If your answer is yes, you should always go for the James Bond tux and if your answer is no…well dress normally…

*Just kidding*

There are a lot of occasions out there from school balls to 6 year old fairy tea parties to vampire proms. Dressing well is essential…

At Christmas time it's the same...

Your pot-bellied grandpa might wear a tent to conceal his midsection but apparently according to Herod Sayle's stylist no one looks good in a straight tent-like costume... Try wearing V necked cardigans, jackets with single buttons and go for straight legged trousers.

Your bottom heavy aunt might LOVE clingy skirts but according to Damian Cray's designer it's a big no-no! Don't forget to wag your finger when you tell her…

Try to choose darker colours for pants, big lapels and embellished necklines for tops and flared skirts…

But I am sure against all odds you just happen to be the unluckiest… Tripping on hem lines or showing your assassin family friend your Bart Simpson boxers, you can never get away with Christmas without a few deep scars of embarrassment and everyone shooting you… with stares. Yes here it is: What You Should Wear…the real version

First of all from experience I would like to say it is a bad idea to wear cheap flammable clothing at Christmas dinner while Yassen/any family member/friend who plays with flame throwers to entertain you unless you want to be rushed to hospital with minor burns and all the hair singed off your arms at 11pm on a snowy cold night…

**N.O 1 Golden Rule of Alex Rider: never, ever wear cheap easily flammable pajamas and clothing while around fires- no, wait don't even buy them…**

Okay then there's the problem of looking good. Say your cool MI6 dad and your caring nurse mum gave you permission to let your girlfriend/boyfriend come for the holidays…You want to impress them right? But somehow you always end up over dressing…hmm. I guess the light grey Levis and formal Billabong long sleeved shirt with red rose in mouth is a bit over the top but it could be worse...

A chicken suit

Some embarrassing socks your grandma knitted you

Superman costume

A tuxedo suited for men aged 50 and above

See what I mean…James Bond I admire you for looking great even after you climbed through a mine shaft, got shot at by your enemies and got dumped on your date. It's like you have a personal crew of make up artists everywhere you go…

Spies, we all have the same curiosity that gets us into life threatening situations and that curiosity might just take us where no man has ever gone before: wearing a dress (if you are a guy) while your girlfriend is here…this could seriously put her off. Your brave and courageous nature that helps you do your nation proud could also demolish any romantic sparks flying. So my suggestion is close your eyes and do lucky clothes dip. Then you won't have a migraine after choosing what to wear. Okay but if you accidentally choose the one that's stained with orange pulp too bad…s


	3. Dealing with Family and Friends

**Family and Friends (how to deal with dead old enemies who ruin your peace and quiet)**

Another headache problem about Christmas is the _need_ for solitary confinement…you have no personal space whatsoever…the adults are all chatting about stuff- i.e. "Ian, you must try some of this French Champagne I got when I was on my latest mission…" Or, "Yassen try some of this pudding Mrs Jones made…It's explosive!" when they all are really thinking about wars in Iraq and nuclear bombs in Russia… You are probably too young to drink posh Champagnes from France and you are really not interested in pudding-especially explosive ones…

So you settle down to watch _Grey's Anatomy_ ( come on it doesn't always have to be James Bond) but then the door bell rang and surprise, surprise it's: your dad and mum, Damian Cray, Herod Sayle, Dr Grief and a bunch of other people you less expect to be here…after all aren't they all suppose to be dead?

Anyways everyone except your mum and dad (they went to see Uncle Ian) jumps on the couch with you and starts fighting for the remote-

"Seriously Alex, _National Geographic_ is way better!" says Dr Grief…

"Oh yeah?" matched Sayle, "Well Gok's Fashion Fix is for me!"

"Come on people, break it up. Let's watch some music videos! Michael Jackson anyone?" suggested Damian Cray.

**N.O 2 Golden Rule of Alex Rider: Never stay around when a bunch of maniacal people who tried to take over the world are all watching TV together. It could result in knife pulling, gun slinging and a couple of bleeding noses…**

**

* * *

**

**How to Greet Your Guests**

Obviously a lot of people are going to come around to your house weather you like it or not, say your least favorite auntie or your spoilt cousin who comes in a Christian Dior tux…and apparently you just happen to be the person in the sentence- e.g. "Alex, get the door please…" what are the chances?

It's Christmas so they expect you to be jolly (although I don't know why seeing the person who once wanted to kill you would make you anything but jolly) but who can understand the minds of evil rich criminal masterminds?

Oh well, they are most likely going to call you the guy from a Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens(what's his name again?) if you are all glum so yeah just try to fit in okay?

Try a little smile- smiles make the world go round…

How about some posh formal language like: "Good evening sir, may I take your coat?"-in the process you might just find some confidential documents you can look at in the middle of the night…

Maybe a hug-okay that one's restricted for people you like: such as your mum, dad, housekeeper and good friends…

A shake of the hand would be good for people you know but want to keep a distance such as: Mr Blunt, Mrs Jones etc…

**How to Entertain Guests**

Nah forget about that one…

**More importantly: ****How to get Your Seat Back from Villains **

So your least favorite adults are on the couch eating popcorn and watching the nature channel…so what do you do?

**A**. Hit them in the head

**B**. Ask them politely to leave

**C**. Tell them there is free pizza

**OR**

**D**. Tempt them with cocktails and thin saffron noodles steamed with green tea

As those people you're dealing with are highly dangerous criminals, hitting them on the head is not recommended.

Asking them politely is the second no-no...why on earth would Dr Grief give his seat for you and the remote just because you said 'Please' and 'Thank you'?

What if Herod Sayle is allergic to Pizza? And by the way he hates anchovies…

So it must be D? Nah…this is a trick question…what on earth are saffron noodles steamed with green tea anyway?

The answer is….

Get all your spy and assassin family to deal with them…

Your dad could go with Dr Grief and chill out with some wine and chat about good defense positions in the Amazon.

Yassen could play sing star with Damian Cray.

Fabulous Uncle Ian could have some fun with Herod Sayle on the computer and auction some stuff for his house…Life is good…

And you? Peace and quiet, watching Greys' Anatomy and eating hot Milo (John Rider believes in healthy choices)…until the carol singers come along that is...


	4. For or against carol singers?

**Carol Singers (Are they as bad as people claim them to be?)**

**By Alex Rider**

(I wrote this last night when Uncle Ian was 'out', I asked 'Out where?' and he just said 'OUTSIDE,')

Carol singers, they're the people that come around knocking on your front door and start singing randomly…Weather it's _We Wish you a Merry Christmas _or _Deck the Halls _people seem to find them ultra annoying (although I can't imagine why you don't want people to wish you a merry Christmas).

My friend Bob had always disliked Carol Singers…here's why:

They come at the worst moment possible i.e. when you are in the bathroom, when you are having a shower, when you think it's the pizza man, when David Beckham is about to score a goal etc.

Some groups sing badly but think they're really good and encourage you to sing along.

Some of the group members freak people out with ultra wide cheesy smiles that just make you take a step back and go 'WHOA!'

However I disagree, I mean how bad can a group of good-hearted amateur singers really be?

First of all, they don't carry guns like some of the people working for Mr Blunt sometimes do (including my uncle) and generally scare people with their blank expressions and chilled 'too cool' attitudes. I would personally go for the cheesy smiles any day.

Secondly they're not an all secretive totally ruthless association like Socrpia which stands for something like **S**abotage, **COR**ru**P**tion, **I**ntelligence and **A**ssassination. I mean what can Carol Singers stand for? Worst case scenario: **C**orrupt **S**trawberries. Plus you can make heaps of things from Corrupt Strawberries, things like: milkshakes, ice cream, toppings for a pavlova, yoghurt or even sweet pizza…

Another example would be that Carol Singers don't just crazily ask a random 14 year old to risk their life to serve their country. No threats like: 'if you don't I'll cancel your visas' or 'just take a look around and just treat it like a holiday'. Carol Singers are people who DON'T think about nuclear bombs or spying on rich maniacal people, they just sing…badly sometimes but come on, after you've been chased by 2 guys on motorbikes with a large cheese wire I doubt you really mind a few wrong notes.

In conclusion Carol Singers aren't all that bad. Really. This is the part where I say about how my experience as a spy has changed me…(sniff sniff) I know you hate Carol Singers ruining your peace and quiet but have some sympathy for General Alexi…He had to deal with people who come by plane and asks for more money.

**N.O 3 Golden Rule of Alex Rider: Never ask bad guys for more money because that'll just get you submerged with crocodiles or 'dealt with' by their sidekicks…So who wants an extra $100,000 now?**

Carol Singers are way better…by a long shot.


	5. Diet and Food

**Diet and Foods**  
It's just not Christmas without delicious, fattening, oil dripping, food. I mean who eats carrot sticks and hummus dips on Christmas Eve? Who brings out Greek yoghurt poured over fresh fruit as a pudding? On Christmas Eve, you bring out the 'big guns' and it's definitely the rich buttery pudding and the crispy, golden turkey with the lovely hot gravy running down it's back. Hungry yet?

Then let's begin.  
As I said before, Christmas is big on food. You can't get one without the other, it's like Batman and Robin, hot chocolate and marshmallows, bad guys and their cold blooded sidekicks. It's just something that works together…  
Anyways what can go wrong?

AHEM. Yeah…  
According to leading scientists (the 'leading scientist' part is so convincing! ) Christmas time is a time for 'over indulgence'. In other words, stuffing your mouth like a pig, it's a time that leaves you hung over and weak. A time when everything goes wrong: from the champagne cork hitting your Uncle in the nuts to fire engulfing the whole kitchen because the assassin of the family was temporarily reporting back to the 'people he work for' instead of cutting the baked Alaska into generous helpings. So what can we, as spies and capable UK citizens, do?

* * *

To answer this question, I have split it into 2 parts.

The BEGINNING:  
The beginning is the time when everyone is suppose to help cook the food, you know, get it shoved into the oven, transforming ordinary potatoes, bloody mince meat and sticky pastry into a lovely golden potato pie. It's a time when there are no excuses. It doesn't matter if Dr Grief is secretly trying to stab you. It doesn't matter if Yassen Gregorovich needs to kill someone in the US in 40 mins. No one can escape helping in the kitchen. So put your cool black 'licence to cook' apron on, grab a spatula and let's just try to survive okay?

**Rule n.o 1:**  
Stay away from Mr Grin and his knives. I know you probably think that Jamie Oliver is pretty fast with his knives. It's CHOP CHOP CHOP and the carrots are all sliced. So cool right? But Mr Grin is a little…ugh different. He chops the vegetables by throwing his knives through the air. I suggest you stay away. He doesn't really care what he chops up.  
**Rule n.o 2:**  
Don't be helpful.  
I know, I know… It's the OPPOSITE of what your mum wants you to be but hey we're talking about MY family here.  
If you see Herod Sayle struggling with mashing the potatoes, don't say: "Hey Mr Sayle…Want some help?" Instead avoid all eye contact. Bad guys need to be cool, they can't afford to be uncool. They need style, charm and evil. I know you won't want to embarrass Mr Sayle by implying that SUPER COOL Mr Sayle can't even mash a potato.

**N.O 4 Golden Rule of Alex Rider: Keep yourself to yourself. Everyone will appreciate it.**

The FOOD:  
Yes I know it's not 'The MIDDLE' but hey, this is not an essay.  
This is the best time! It's eating time! This is the part where we receive the medals of honour after serving together in the kitchen, when we finally see the fruits of our labour etc etc. This is it.  
I can already imagine Yassen's dinner rolls and Dr Grief's citrus pie. It's all there. Here's a quick few words before tucking in, give you a few ideas on what to eat and what to avoid…

_**MENU- bon appétit**_

Our Specials-

Yassen the assassin's dinner rolls: Hot, tender soft rolls (butter optional). Need I say more?

Mum's fresh lemonade- nothing beats homemade lemonade, crushed ice, mint leaves…It's perfect even for Christmas!

Dr Grief's citrus pie: A must have at any party. A triple layered tart with fresh tangerines, oranges and lemons dished together with a vanilla ice cream topping and a crumbly biscuit base. The type of fancy pie that the guys from Masterchef would totally embrace.  
_  
'Amazingly delicious, it's tantalizing fruits are perfect for the festive season and the vanilla is just a perfect complement to the whole tart. For all you bad guys out there who's passion is to cook, Dr Grief is truly an inspiration.'- **Masterchef Judge**_

Alan Blunt's winter salad: It is D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S. I don't really know what veges he puts in though. Apparently it's his secret recipe, don't worry though he's totally reliable, I mean I ate it last year and it's safe! Probably…

AVOID AT ALL COST:

Ian Rider's mashed potato and gravy: I know how I mentioned that Mr Sayle couldn't mash a potato (SHH…Don't tell him I said that) well it turns out Uncle Ian can't either. What is it with spies and criminal masterminds and potatoes? Anyways this one is a bummer. Christmas isn't Christmas without potatoes and gravy but hey this one is just too terrible to risk eating. To be honest, I think he might have made a mistake with the sugar and the salt. As Alan Blunt once said, "Not careful enough…"

Alex Rider's steamed veges: before I start criticizing more people, I need to say, my steamed veges were never that good. Okay then…Not good at all. I don't really know how to work the machine and yeah… The adults just leave me to do it because they think that it's the easiest but trust me it's more complicated than trying to hack into MI6's computer system.

_Do I see a pattern going on or is it just that my family can't cook to save our lives?_

Last but not worst: Mrs Jones' sheppard's pie. Yeah. Just avoid this one okay?

**N.O 5 Golden Rule of Alex Rider: Stick with the professionals when it comes to food.**


	6. Board games rule

**Board games, stories and family togetherness**

These 3 things sound familiar? Well they are the main ingredients of a typical night at Christmas time. You know, when the tree is lit up and everyone is gathered around the hearth to have some quality family time. It looks perfect on T.V. It seems perfect in books but is it so perfect in real life?  
Let's find out…

* * *

It was a peaceful night. The snow lay in large soft heaps along the street and in the distance the castle gleamed with its a thousand lights shining brightly. It was Christmas Eve. The rich merchant's house was decorated with bundles of glittering tinsel, garlands and holly. Together, the lights from the Christmas tree and the tiny flames of candles shone through the lattice window, forming a welcoming glow. The family gathered by the fire and chatted and laughed till dawn…  
You get the point.

Okay I know the castle on the hill is a bit cheesy and I know that it's the 'Charles Dickens' type of Christmas but I want to put a distinct difference between the ideal family togetherness and MY type.  
You'll see in awhile.

In one slick move the dead assassin had pointed his gun at the kitchen shelf. No one except the blonde haired teenager (big clue) flinched. The man sitting in an arm chair looked up in disapproval. He looked a lot like the boy, maybe it was his uncle. "Don't do that! I don't want holes in my wall, it looks as if I am bad at DIY and messed it up or something."  
BANG. The assassin fired. He had perfect aim. The bullet made a hole straight through the canned pea soup. Thick green liquid flowed out onto a bowl underneath.  
"Mr Grief…Would you like some pea soup?"  
Mr Grief looked up from his book in disdain, "Yassen! You know I don't drink canned or sachet soup. Those horrible things are full of preservatives and additives!"  
"Mr Sayle, Mr Cray, General Sarov…" said the assassin triumphantly, rubbing his hands together indicating money, "Any other bets?"

So there we go. Normal families play games like Monopoly or Scrabble. If they bet on something it'll be usually like, "I'll give you 5 chocolates if you can stand on your head for 5 mins."  
It's normal. No gun slinging, no flame throwing, just ordinary fun.

So I thought I'll try it this year. To get all my spy family, assassin family friend and bad guy guests to see what normal families, who aren't in this whole guns and spying profession, do for Christmas.

Here are some things I have gathered from this experience to help you create a lovely night in.

Set the scene.  
Create the cookie dough in the day. At night shove it into the oven and watch the people roll in. No one can resist the smells of freshly baked cookies.

Place some hot chocolates and coffees on the table for everyone to see.

Kick start the fire. The warmth is always a bonus.

When you see Sayle or Cray or any of the bad guys in come in say: "Welcome to the dark side! We have cookies!"

If you see any members of your family or people who work for the government come in, say, "Come to MI6's side, we have cookies!"

Once everyone is in the lounge give them things to do so they won't have to resort to doing things the old way i.e doing some target practice.

The games I found that are really good are:

Monopoly. Everyone wants to be a billionare but get ready to be bankrupted by Drevin, Cray and Sayle, they know how to make some serious dosh.

Charades. See the creative side of your friends and family with this classic game. Guess a movie title, guess a household appliance or even guess a famous person… the choices are endless!

Two words? A book? A Diary? Crown? Tiara? OHHH Princess Diaries. (Just an example)

Big Jenga. A large version of the fun game using only wooden blocks. Watch as Yassen struggle to keep the tower stable. Hold your breath as Damian Cray yank a block out through the middle and bite your lip as sweat breaks out of Ian Rider's forehead as he tries to stay in the game.

**N.O 6 Golden Rule of Alex Rider: Don't play Twister. There are sharp things and things that go bang in your opponent's clothing.**

So that's a good start. Keep playing…Go on….If you're lucky you might even miss the stories.  
But if you have even worse luck than me…The tips page is somewhere in the book…


End file.
